She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
