I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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