why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
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Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
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I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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