I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
