I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
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dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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