Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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