Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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