I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
