im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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