im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Randomize
