Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
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