i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
