Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
