Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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