I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
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