Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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