Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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