I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
The best revenge is premature balding
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.