Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going