I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
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his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
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I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.