I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
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