How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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