I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
