Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
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