He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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