Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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