She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
