She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
