my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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