I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
