I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
