ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
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I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
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While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize