you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
