just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
