Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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