Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
