every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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