How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
