it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
