why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
do herpes really smell.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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