My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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