I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
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I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
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That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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