So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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