We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Vodka?
Forever.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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