I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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