I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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