so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
