I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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