i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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