You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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