The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
