I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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