my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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