captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
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