i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
