do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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