Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
